Once upon a time…

Lord, doesn’t that take you back? When I was a kid, in the years B.T. (before the tube), these were words to make the heart sing. Maybe they still do — I know kids who are still raised on Baum and Lang and all the rest. ⁽¹⁾ But far too many today know Aesop and LaFontaine and Andersen and the Brothers Grimm only from an occasional after-school special on the tube.

Well, now Fox has paid for, and a cast of unknown producers and directors have provided us with, a new take on the story of “Cinderella” — and it’s damned good! No magical spells, no funny Disney animals (few animals at all, except for some horses and an occasional pig) — no special effects to speak of! — but fun. (Oh, and at one point one of the characters walks on water — but there’s no magic involved.)

Somewhere in 16th century France, Danielle (Drew Barrymore), the daughter of a wealthy merchant (Jeroen Krabbe), is faced with the prospect of a new stepmother and two stepsisters. Almost immediately after bringing them home, daddy drops dead of a heart attack, leaving Danielle at the tender mercies of the self-centered and ambitious Rodmilla, Baroness de Ghent (Anjelica Huston) and the self-centered and nasty Marguerite (Megan Dodds), with only occasional sympathy from the younger stepsister, Jacqueline (Melanie Lynskey), whose own self-esteem has been pretty well beaten out of her.

A decade later, or thereabouts, Danielle, who really owns the old manse, is spending her time working with the servants, slopping the pigs, and sleeping (apparently voluntarily) among the cinders — hence the name “Cinderella” that Marguerite likes to apply to her — so that she can read and reread old dad’s last gift, a copy of Thomas More’s Utopia. Then, one morning, she meets young Prince Henry (a bemused Dougray Scott) who, escaping from his overbearing royal father and an undesired contracted marriage, has just stolen one of Danielle’s stepmother’s horses. Before recognizing him, she clouts him a couple of good ones with some apples she’s carrying. This sets the tone for their later relationship.

She runs into Henry again and again, the next time disguised as a noblewoman buying a servant back out of slavery, which he assumes she is, not connecting her with the aggressive farm girl. The kid gradually falls in love with her, not so much for her looks (Drew Barrymore is well cast here!) as for her sharp mind and self-assertiveness. Not to mention loyalty: when the two are captured by a wandering band of Gypsy thieves, and the Gypsy leader tells underwear-clad Danielle that she can leave with anything she can carry, she spurns clothes and weapons and instead flings a surprised Henry over her shoulders in a fireman’s carry (the impressed Gypsy leader then gives her a horse).

But in the meantime the nasty Rodmilla is plotting to marry off Marguerite to the Prince. There is a ball … Danielle is unmasked as a
“servant” … she flees, leaving behind a glass slipper … Rodmilla sells her into slavery to a lecherous merchant, who proves himself unaware of the First Rule of Police Work (“Never approach a perp in custody while wearing a sword”) … Prince Henry and the Spanish princess find themselves up before a priest … and, ultimately, they will All Live Happily Ever After, except, of course, Rodmilla and Marguerite. ⁽²⁾ Even Jacqueline, who was only at the ball for the food, ends up with the plump captain of Henry’s guard. Even the Spanish Infanta ends up with somebody she seems to be in love with, to the despair of her own royal parents. ⁽³⁾

Well, as I said, some of the elements are missing, or have become twisted over the years (the “fairy godmother” was actually Leonardo da Vinci, who happened to be in the neighborhood [“Michelangelo couldn’t come because he was stuck under a ceiling in Rome”]). But, by and large, this is not only “Cinderella”, but actually somewhat believable. ⁽⁴⁾

Don’t wait for the videotape or DVD, or even the cheap-seat theaters! People have to be encouraged to make more movies that are this much fun!

(Note: this movie is rated PG-13, “Parents strongly cautioned”. I have not yet figured out why. If there is any sex, it is all offstage [King Francis and Queen Marie are shown in bed together, but they are asleep until Henry wakes them up to propose founding a university]; violence is almost non-existent [one annoying individual has a pot dropped on his head]; foul language, if any, is in French; the animals in the film are treated as well as the servants, which admittedly is not saying a lot. I would not hesitate to rate it “G”.)

⁽²⁾ Marguerite’s tantrums are among the best scenes in the film, primarily for their rapid occurrence. She throws one such before the queen, then recovers herself and, with total aplomb, attributes it to “a bee in my dress”.

⁽³⁾ All royalty in this film is convinced that arranged marriages are at least as good as love matches; at least the divorce rate is no higher, probably because, as Queen Marie says (not very happily, it must be admitted), “divorce is something they do in England”.

⁽⁴⁾ The Cinderella story seems to go back to ancient Egypt, actually. I presume that the Brothers Grimm found it — like many of their stories — during their philological researches into the histories of the European languages.